... and you learn to love like you've never been hurt.

07 July 2007 @ 02:27 am

So I have decided to start writing in this again. Mostly because I can never sleep and it will give me something to do, but also because I love looking back at old entries more than anything. It's so funny to see how much I have and haven't changed from 2 years ago.

So a quick recap from my last entry. Duane and I ended up getting together. And the night that I wouldn't mention in the last entry, well, he cheated on his ex with me. We were together for 7 months, it was my first real relationship, and my first in other departments as well. His ex, Jayme, and her friends made my senior year a living hell. Duane ended up doing the same thing he did to Jayme to me, I called her, we went out to dinner, and I'm okay with her now. I couldn't eat for 5 days, lost about 12 pounds, and couldn't sleep. I looked awful.

However, one day, I just snapped out of it. Now, I'm completely and totally over him. I don't care what he's doing. He can be fucking 14 girls and have 11 STDs. Which he probably does, and that's fine with me. Someone keyed my car over this whole thing, and I'm pretty sure I know who it was, but I don't have proof. My dad buffed it out a little, so it doesn't look too horrendous. But you can still tell that someone is a bit psychotic in their actions, and took their anger out on my poor Malibu.

On a brighter note, I ended up choosing Shippensburg for a college. I met my roommate on facebook, and her name is Cassie Miller. She's from Jennerstown, which is about 3 and a half hours away. I really like her and I think we're going to have an amazing year. We've been talking all summer, and she came down to our house for a day during senior week. She's adorable to say the least (:

So I'm a high school graduate, I'm single, I'm a college student, and I'm now a blogger. I've had enough for today though. I'm taking baby steps back into this (:

<3

Current Mood:

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Current Music: The Almost.

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13 November 2006 @ 10:00 am

(no subject)

So to continue from the last entry, my first night back at Long Johns was actually really fun. I worked with Josh and Steve and this new kid, Matt, and they all made me laugh so hard the entire night. It made me glad to be back [: I know every night won't be like that, but it's worth sticking around for the ones that are.
I came home from work and no one was doing anything, so I just watched Phantom of the Opera and fell asleep around 12. I woke up at 2:30 angry and confused after my cell phone rang for the 5th time. It was Duane and him, Josh, and Nick kept calling me to go over to Nick's for a little bit so I got out of bed, threw some clothes on and went. Nothing else needs to be said of that. [:

Friday night I worked at Shenk until 9:30 and decided not to do anything afterwards becuase I had to get up to be back there at 10 in the morning. So I talked to this certain boy online for a longg time and then headed to bed.

Saturday morning I worked until 4. I went to see Cameron's play with Emily and he did absolutely amazinggg. I never thought hed be able to act but it just blew me away. Him and two other people in the play got nominated to go to New York and perform a scene in front of talent scouts. He's gonna be a star [: Afterwards I went to Denny's with the usual Denny's crew. We were playing finish that tune or whatever it's called, I don't know you probably had to be there but we were all laughing so hard. I love them [: After that I hung out with Duane for a little and that was the end of my nightt.

I slept all day Sunday until I had to go to work at 5. I got home around 9:30 and did all my homework, but ended up not going to school today anyways. I left like 15 minutes later than I normally do, so the parking space I usually get wasn't there. I called my mom and told her I couldn't find a spot so she said I could just stay home. Scoooree [: I know I miss way too much school, I just hate it.

I did some college planning today and the 6 that I narrowed it down to are:
George Mason
Pitt @ Johnstown
Mansfield
Shippensburg
Slippery Rock
& Duquesne

My SAT scores are high enough for them and they all have the two majors I want, so I have no idea how to decided from that list. I don't know, I guess we'll see.
Ge

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09 November 2006 @ 09:13 am

(no subject)

Hmmmm updates..

I got my SAT scores back- a 1060 with just the math & reading, high enough to get into all the colleges i've been looking at.

I got my report card back and it was really good for once, I finally made the honor roll.

I hung out with Andy last night. We weren't on good terms previously but he appologized, i appologized, we hugged, and things were better. One benefit to the breakup is that I can have guy friends again and I looove it. I get along so much better with guys. He picked me up and we went to Blockbuster & rented Firewall and then went back to his house to watch it. It was pretty good actually, although I did think of Nathan a lot throughout the night. Just becuase we were sitting close on the couch watchign a movie, something Nathan and I did on a daily basis. Yeah I know i'm pathetic, you don't need to tell me.

Andy took me home and I walked in to find Cameron sitting at the computer covered in fake blood. He just got done with the Penn State play. I'm so proud of him [: And I can't wait to go see it on Saturday! My mom fought with me from the time I walked in the door so when Cameron asked me to go to Walmart & Supersheetz I was pretty excited to leave the house. Then at midnight I met Cassie, Ashlie, Katie, Kelsey, Beegs, and Emily at Dennys. There were sooo many people there we knew and there never is. I liked it though [:

I came home and wanted to do something so bad but it was wednesday and no one does anything on wednesdays. I'm soo happy that we don't have school today or tomorrow though. That makes my life 80 percent better. I start at Long Johns tonight though. Ehh.. I guess we'll see how that goes.

Current Mood:

exanimate

Current Music: Secondhand Serenade [:

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30 October 2006 @ 06:18 am

(no subject)

Slacker, I know. But this is going to be a good update. Promise [:

First of all, I stayed at my dad's all week just for the heck of it. I figured I needed something different in my life to take my mind off of things, and it actually worked for awhile. Tuesday was Chad's 18th birthday so on Wednesday Leeann was taking him & his friends to the haunted house in Becarria so I got some friends together so we could follow her up there. It was me, Emily, Beegle, Kelsey, and Lauren. We ended up getting completely lost, so we pulled over at Sheetz and took some pictures while Leeann called my dad and tried to figure out where we were.

We got back on the roads and got there about 2 hours later [it should have taken 45 minutes tops], but we got there and that's all that matters. The drive there is scary enough, so by the time we got there we were already freaked out. We had to wait in line for like an hour but we sang spice girls, did some interpretive dancing, and huddled together to keep warm. The security guard became friends with us and made sure we weren't intoxicated. He really looked like Hagred from Harry Potter. He had us sing into his walkie talkie so the rest of his security buddies could hear us. [: We finally got in the haunted house, and Beegle and I went first into all the rooms. By the end, I didn't have any feeling in my hand becuase she was squeezing it so hard. It was pretty much the scariest thing ever. Some of the rooms were gay and we just laughed but some of them made us all scream and smash into the walls and knock stuff down. Towards the end there was a set of narrow steps you had to walk down and the walls were so close and I was so so hott and Beegle was squeezing my hand.. and this demon appeared at the bottom and said 'Come with me, Courtney' because I guess the security guard outside told him my name. So I blacked out i'm guessing, becuase when I opened my eyes I was in this guys beard and everyone was yelling my name and then I fell down a few steps and Beegle had to help me up. It was pretty bad, but I just got up and continued. We were all exhausted after we got out so we had a quiet ride home. We got home around 11 and I dove right into my bed. [:

We all thought of skipping school on Thursday becuase we were so tired from the night before but I forced myself to go. It was trick or treat night and I had to work, but I got to dress up and hand out candy. I was a Penn State football player girl [: I borrowed Lauren's jersey and Decembre brought in these spandex football pant looking things and high socks.

I look retarded, but you get the general idea [: I basically got paid to sit by the door of Shenk and Tittle and give little kids candy, so it was cool. My dad brought my little brothers in too so I was excited to see them [:

Friday I worked again and it was a longg night. I had lots of visitors though which made it better. Dan Morrow and Mike Price came in and talked for awhile, and Mike gave me some candy [: Then Elvey, Blake, and Paul came in to see me and asked if I wanted to hang out later. I got home around 9:30 and got a shower and headed over to Elvey's around 11. We went to his dad's apartment which has been vacant for over a month. So there was stuff everywhereeee.. and rat poop, and dirty dishes all through the kitchen, no tv, no music, nothing. But it turned out to be the best night i've had in awhile. It was me, Mueller, Blake, Elvey, Paul, and a 21 year old girl named Katie. I loovee Katie. She's the nicest person ever [: We all just hung out and talked for awhile, we went upstairs and played truth or dare, and it was just an amazing night. I got up at 8 the next day and cleaned up the mess we made, and then headed home.

Saturday was the most eventful evening i've had in a long time. I hung out at my dad's for awhile until Dan & Mike asked me to go to Supersheetz for coffee. I got ready and met them there, and on the way Lauren and Missy called and said they were going there too, so we all met up and sat together. I saw Blake & Cowan too but they didn't stay long. I went home and my dad and Leeann were fighting. Leeann called me on the phone from her mom's house crying so I talked to her for awhile and my dad left a note on the front door that said 'depressed people sleep, hopefully I don't wake up.' So I went in his room and woke him up and tried to talk to him, but he was drunk and didn't know what I was talking about. I told him that I love him and that Leeann does too, and he just said okay and fell back asleep. After I was sure that Leeann was okay I left and went to Heather's halloween party. There was about 10 people there.. and I only knew like 4 but it was still fun. After I was there for an hour Emily texted me and she was all upset about things so I met her at Supersheetz and talked to her. I told her all about Leeann, and we talked about how relationships don't work out now and obviously they suck when you get older too, so we both started crying. It's the truth though. I mean.. I can't think of one relationship where both people are completely honest with each other. The guy always does things with other girls if he gets the opportunity, or talks about how he doesn't really want to be with her when she isn't around. I see it every single day and it makes me sick. I always thought that things were just like that because we're teenagers, but watching my mom and dad's SECOND relationships fail makes me wonder if things ever get better. Anyways, Em and I went back to my house for a little bit and then met Kelsey, Kyla, and Katie at Denny's at midnight. I had a lot of fun.. but I always have fun when i'm with them [:

After Denny's Emily and I went back to Heather's party. There was a lottt more people there this time. Most of which I didn't know, but everyone was excited that I came back. Emily didn't know many people and wasn't really having a good time so she just left and said she'd come pick me up in the morning since I wouldn't have a car there. I made some new friends, I got yelled at by a girl I didn't know, I cried becuase I was sure that Nathan and I were still together and everyone was telling me that we weren't, I made a lot of phone calls, and I eventually fell asleep. Emily picked me up really early the next day and I went back to my dad's and slept.

Current Mood:

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Current Music: pieces-sum 41

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24 October 2006 @ 02:35 am

(no subject)

I am absolutely terrible with change. I've been out at my dad's for two nights and i'm already homesick. It's not that I miss my house really, I just miss my routines. I have my daily routines and now i'm in a new house so everything's messed up. But i'm making new routines, so now when I go back home i'll be a mess again.

But on a better note, I think things are looking up for me. Seriously this time. Last night I took Nathan off of my facebook, myspace, and buddy list. I gave the tigger he got me from disneyland to my little brother. I took down the picture he made me and got rid of his texts and pictures. You probably don't realize how unbelievably hard it was to gain the strength to do all that, but it really was. I'm feeling a lot better though. As long as I don't hear about him or see him for a long time, I think i'll be fine. It's not what I want, but it's what he wants. And I still love him enough to respect that.

I had to work tonight and it was extremely boring. I LOVE when people I know come in and I get to talk to them. That makes my day [: Shenk and Tittle is seriously the easiest job in the world. You have to know your sports stuff, but other than that you just stand there 85% of the time, occasionaly pretending to straighten up racks. I sold a pair of ski boots today AND it was sort of snowing after work. I really really can't wait until Blue Knob opens. I'm getting new skiboards for christmas and when i'm on the slopes, i'll be the happiest girl in the world no matter what tragedies are occuring in my life. [:

I'm gonna get some sleep though. Goodnight<3

Current Music: Lifehouse - Everything.

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21 October 2006 @ 04:03 pm

(no subject)

I've been slacking a lot when it comes to updating this, so here's a rundown of the past week.

Last Saturday I got up for the SATS. I woke up at 4 for some reason and couldn't go back to sleep, so when they started at 8 I was pretty awake. I left really early for them which turned out to be good, becuase I realized I forgot my caculator a block away from the school. I drove home about 70 the whole way, and was still early. As soon as I walked in I saw Nathan. He was wandering around looking up at the room numbers, completely lost. I didn't even recognize him at first.. I haven't seen him for 2 weeks. But when I realized it was him my heart just sunk. I walked him to his room because it was down the same hall as mine, and we didn't really say much to each other. I'm trying to decided whether it was good or bad that I saw him. I mean, I missed him so much, but seeing him made me even more of a mess. So anyways, I took the SATS. I skipped a bunch on the math, and the last section I just rushed through becuase I thought I was going to die if I had to sit there any longer, but other than that I don't think I did too completely terrible. I worked afterwards and after work Emily and I decided to have a movie night. We met at the movie rental place and got a few and we left my car there so we both didn't have to drive, and we planned on Emily just taking me back there when we were done. We went back to her house and I was exhaustedd from SATS and work so I didn't even make it halfway through the first movie. Emily fell asleep at some point too and we woke up around 1am by me jumping up and saying MY CAR'S GOING TO GET TOWEED! Emily drove me back to the movie rental place where my car wasn't towed, and then I went home and went to bedd.

Tuesday I finally got my pumas i've wanted and then went to games night with Lauren and the skits were soo good. I had fun [: Afterwards I went down to talk to Emily and she wiped oatmeal all over me, so that was nice.

Thursday I hung out at my dad's for the first time in awhile and realized how much I missed it. Leeann and I talked about boy problems, and she went out and got Emily and I a peanut butter'we don't have boyfriend's anymore'pie to eat during grey's anatomy [: Leeann is amazing. She always understands. I had a bunch of homework which I didn't do, and then I went to Emily's for our weekly grey's anatomy night.

Last night I worked until 9:30.. I got picked on all night as usual. Brad Yoder was playing at the coffee shop so I stopped out there and met Emily and Kelsey around 10. He was getting ready to leave but he played my favorite songs for me. He remembered my name too, so I was pretty excited. I love him [: Emily and I went to Mcdonalds after that. It was the first time I had Mcdonalds for like.. 2 years. haha so it was nice. I went home and Elvey called me 15 times, but I was tired so I went to bedd.

Now i'm at my dad's. My dad and Leeann went to West Virginia for a few days so i'm watching the boys until tomorrow morning sometime. I'm getting better slowly I guess. I texted Nathan this week and told him that if he had time to get together and talk sometime to let me know. He said he probably could Thursday, but when Thursday came along he wasn't allowed. I'm trying so hard to forget about him and make myself realize that we aren't getting back together and I need to move on but it's soo hard. Everyone tries to help me, but nothing anyone can say will make it better.

Current Mood:

discontent

Current Music: The Fray-All at once.

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13 October 2006 @ 06:07 pm

(no subject)

I was wrong, my mom did get mad at me for not going to school today. BUT, I cleaned my room and worked out all day. It's not like I layed around like a bum, so she can suck it. I took a little nap after my workout, and Emily called me when she got home from school. My mom and I had a huge fight about stuff dealing with my dad, so I couldn't be more happy to get out of the house when Emily picked me up at 6. We went to Robbie's to eat and then to Walmart for some grey's anatomy watching snacks. We ran into Kyla and Breanne loading up on the grub too [: and then went to some of the new stores up at the new mall, which really isn't a mall. We headed back to Emily's and wasted some time before grey's anatomy.. which we then watched. It was amazing and intense as usual. I'm addicted. Afterwards we talked for awhile and took a nap until 12 and then we picked up Katie, Kells, and Beegs for our late night Denny's Tradition. French toast and French Friess. Mmm. I love the French. [Shut up, I know it's not really French] Emily brought me home around 2 and I was exhausted so I went right to bed.

Today I slept in until 1 and it felt so good.. like Summer. Only it's 40 degrees when you go outside :/ I can't complain though, it's supposed to snow this week and i'm so pumped. I just want to skiboard in new yoorkkk right now! I worked out for awhile and now i'm sitting here. It probably won't be a very fun night. I work 5-9:30 and then i'll probably just go to bed becuase of SATS in the morning :/

I heard that Nathan's skits were tonight and his group got first place. So i'm really glad his hard work and all the time devoted paid off for him. I texted him and told him congrats, and it was the first time we've talked all week. I was doing fine, but that little text made me miss him. Ugghh. When am I going to get over this..

That's it.

Current Mood:

content

Current Music: Dashboarrrdd

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12 October 2006 @ 05:21 am

(no subject)

I don't know if other people have these kinds of days, or if it's just me. But every once in awhileI wake up and get ready for school, and then I decide that I REALLY just don't want to go. Well yeah, I never want to go to school. But sometimes I just really feel like I need to stay home. Today happened to be one of those days. My mom usually doesn't care if it's only once in awhile, which makes it all the better. So I put on some sweatpants, got myself a cup of coffee and a brownie, and read the paper. I usually regret staying home in the end becuase then I have make up work, i'm bored all day, and I have too much time to think about things, but i'm going to try and make today worthwhile.

My outlook on things has gotten a lot better. On Tuesday night Plowman picked me up for a late night Long Johns dinner [even though I was in bed] and I think it finally hit me that i'm going to be okay. I saw all of my old coworkers and they seemed so excited to see me. Matt and I ran through the drive through three or four times just for the heck of it. I spent the last few days out at my dad's too, just being with my little brothers.. helping Caden with his kindergarden homework, and I realized that this is it. This is my life and I need to make the best of it right now. Who knows where i'll be next year, or in 3 years, or in 10. I don't want to look back on my senior year and remember how depressed I was over a boy. Soo.. i'm done. I'm still afraid to let anyone else have my heart again, but i'm sure i'll be over that in time.
This is going to be a really good weekend too, which should help things. Tonight is grey's anatomy night with the Mcaleers just like every Thursday. Then the gang is getting together and going to Denny's at midnight, which has become quite a tradition [: Friday I probably can't be out too late becuase of SATS in the morning, but we don't have school and that's good enough for me. Andy's coming home tomorrow and i'll probably get together with him at some point.

Ah and one more thing that's been on my mind. I have recently discovered that drama is never ever going to end. Everyone has this theory that when they get out of highschool there lives will be drama-free, but they couldn't be more wrong. Drama is EVERYWHERE. The drama at school is ridiculous, but then there's work drama. It went on at Long Johns big time, but it continued to Shenk & Tittle too. There's drama at community service in the Juniata Gap copy room. "oh she always hogs the copier, what a bitch" type stuff. People are always going to feel the need to find the bad in people and then tell the world about it. People are always going to talk behind each others backs. No one can be satisfied with just talking about good things, that wouldn't bring enough excitement to their day. And with that said, I leave you with Rob Thomas [:

We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Look at us
This doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same.

Current Mood:

calm

Current Music: Rob Thomas [:

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08 October 2006 @ 11:22 pm

A Year From Now

Complete with total adoration
My Gift to you, my heart was yours.
In 10 weeks you shaped it, in one night you murdered it.

Torn from my chest and layed at your feet, that first step you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark.
I still have these memories but we'll never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember. Cause thats all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
We'll never make another memory

I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real...
You said they were, what happened?
You were a priority, was I an option?

I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
You knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart
I'm sorry that wasn't enough.

So we'll go our own ways and hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you.
Hopefully, you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this but I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake.
I just wish the story didn't end this way...
Because I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.

Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember when we talked of where we'd be a year from now?

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07 October 2006 @ 06:49 am

(no subject)

To end the worst week ever.

With Nathan having the lead in the play, and being a homecoming escort, and having skit practice, we haven't seen a whole lot of each other lately. He's gone from when school starts until about 8:30 at night.. so by then he's tired and has homework, so we barely even talked on the phone. I was more than willing to wait. I mean, i've been waiting for the past month. But I figured that when the play and homecoming were over, things would be right back to where they were before.
But when he canceled our plans for the only day we could hang out this week on thursday.. I told him that I really didn't think he had time for a girlfriend right now. I completely caught him off guard but he agreed with me. He asked if it meant we were broken up.. and I asked him if that was what he wanted. He told me that he loved me and of course that isn't what he wanted. He said i've been an amazing girlfriend ever second we were together and that he hasn't been. He said that I didn't deserve anything less than perfect and for me to make the decision, and that he would love me either way.

If you know anything about me, you know I can't make decisions. I can't pick what to order at Denny's. I can't decide what movie to see on a date. And I really can't decide what to do about a failing relationship. So like always, I told him to decide. He said that we can't keep doing this is we obviously arent happy. He told me he loved me again and that he couldn't do this to me anymore. He said i'd be in his heart every second of every day but that he couldn't commit himself to be being my devoted and loving boyfriend right now. That's about when I lost it. I bawled and bawled hysterically. I called him and told him I wanted to hear his voice one last time and I cried to him the entire time. He tried to make me laugh.. and it didn't work.
That night Emily and I had plans to watch grey's anatomy together. She was at Kyla's soccer game but when she heard about the breakup she came over right away. I was laying in my bed bawling and she made me get in her car and took me to get ice cream. I cried the entire car ride.. and she started crying too. Me being so upset amde her realize that she was still upset about David. So we listened to sad songs, and just cried together. Every memory of Nathan and I ran through my head the entire night. Spending every day of the summer together.. the sleepovers.. everything.

I waited so long to find the right guy. I had so many 'things' with guys that never worked out. I was about ready to give up becuase I couldn't stand being hurt anymore.. and then I met Nathan. He completely changed my outlook on life. I was actually happy again. I woke up every morning with a smile on my face. We wanted to go to the same college. We had plans for prom.. and for next summer. We celebrated every months anniversary like it was such a big deal. He was my everything. And if you for a second think that it was just a high school relationship and that I don't know what love is, stop reading this. And don't talk to me. Becuase i'm so sick of older people telling me that. That's what i'm in, high school. And all I know right now is that my heart is broken, and i'm torn to pieces. They obviously don't remember what it was like to lose your first love.

Anyways, Emily and I went up to her room and watched a movie after Grey's Anatomy. Around midnight we picked up some people and went to Dennys. It was me and em, katie and kelsey, kyla, and courtney beegle. I tried so hard to have a good time.. and I guess I did. I just couldn't stop thinking about Nathan. His memory is just everywhere.. I can't escape it.

I'm slowly getting better. I still cry a few times a day.. but i'm finally realizing that I need to be strong. I can't let this take over. I'm just hoping that Nathan really loves me like he says he does.. and that we'll be together again someday.

Current Mood:

crushed

Current Music: Aly & AJ [:

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30 September 2006 @ 07:59 am

(no subject)

What an eventful evening. Ugh.
Sooo.. yesterday after school I came home and got ready for work. I put maroon and white ribbons in my hair.. and dressed all up for the game. I figured if I couldn't be there, I might as well show some school spirit. Work wasn't too badd.. I worked with Huber and he always seems to make the night go a little faster. I sold a ton of jerseys and at first I thought it was 'pain in the ass day' but people lightened up as the night went on. Beegle came in to see me for awhile so that cheered me up [:

But thennn.... I headed over to Nathan's after I came home and changed becuase it was our three month anniversary. I got him a wallet from pac sun and this sand hacky sack thing he wanted and he liked them both. We watched a movie, he tickled me to death, and we just hung out until around 12:30. He walked me out to my car and ironically got in becuase he wanted to see how big the back was. So we were being goofballs and seeing if we could both fit in the back seat and whatnot and I was happy becuase we had a really good night. We said our goodbyes, I went to start my car but all I heard was ERRRRNNNTTTT. So I tried a few more times and ERRRNNTT. So Nathan and I just looked at each other and kind of laughed, even though I was trying hard not to cry. He lives on a steep hill with a garage on the top.. and my car was parked RIGHT in front of the garage so no other cars would be able to get out in the morning if my car didn't start. We tried to jump start it, we put gas in it, and nothing worked. Just more ERRNT. It was too late to go up and get his dad, so Nathan just drove me home. We didn't really say much the whole drive because I was so upset. He tried to make me laugh but I just layed on his armrest in depression.

I came home and told my brother, who really didn't care much, and I told my mom and her response was 'okay well what do you want me to do about it? ' So I just went in my room and cried. I was supposed to go to Denny's with a ton of people and Emily said she'd come pick me up but I was too much of a mess to go so I just curled up like a little hampster under my covers and went to sleep. This morning I woke up around 10 so I could call my dad to come try and fix my car. I was so nervous to call him because he hasn't even met Nate yet, and he really isn't the most sociable person, especially when he's mad at me for my car being junk. But when I opened my phone, I had a voicemail from Nate saying that he and his dad got up and fixed my car at 7 and drove it back to my house. I'm still in shock that they did that. His dad had to go to work and Nathan had stuff going on in the morning and they spent their time fixing my piece of shit car and then even brought it to my house for me. That was so so amazingly nice. I've been smiling all morning [:

The moral of the story, don't drive 92 oldsmobiles. Becuase they SUCK.

Current Mood:

relieved

Current Music: A Static Lullaby [:

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23 September 2006 @ 10:12 pm

(no subject)

Finally a night worth updating about [:

I haven't seen my dad or my little brothers since before I got sick, so I headed out there around 4 after a long afternoon of moping and math. My little brothers were SO excited to see me. They were both yelling "SISSY'S HERE!" as soon as they saw me walk in. I hung out with them for awhile.. and talked to my dad for a good bit. It just felt good to spend the day out there. I missed them a lot.

Katie called around 8:45 and I met her, Kelsey, Em, Ashlie, and Beegs at Denny's a little after. I just ate so I didn't really get anything.. but it was soo great to be around them, especially after my 2 weeks of down time. We stayed there for awhile just talking and stuff and when we left Plowman and Christine were waiting outside to say hi to me [: I missed both of them soo much and I was pretty much ecstatic. They asked Emily and I to go drive-through terrorizing with them. And in all seriousness, who can turn down such an offer? We hit up Long Johns of course becuase it's our homeground, and then went to taco bell. I laughed harder than I have in a really long time. Matt took us back to our cars at Denny's and Emily and I decided to make a quick supersheetz run. Matt and Buddy were there so we talked to them for awhile. Again, I haven't seen them in forever so it was nice. And before we left good old Petey came running up to the car and we talked to him. He's home from college for the night and was telling us all about his recent partying experiences. It made me want college.

Then I drove home.. with a completely different mindset than the beginning of the day. I think I just really needed a night like that to get my mind off of things and this depressiony gloom i've been in. I have tons and tons of homework to finish up before I go back on Monday so even though it's 1:22, I think i'll get some of that done.

Current Mood:

indescribable

Current Music: not a thingg..

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20 September 2006 @ 04:45 pm

(no subject)

I don't know what to do.........

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19 September 2006 @ 10:39 pm

(no subject)

IT'S MY FIRST DAY OF BEING WELL AGAIN!!!
i'm really excited. [:
The past few days have been the absolute worst. I spent so many hours crying becuase of the pain I was in. My mom would come in to give me medicine and I remember telling her to leave me to die. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it. But this morning I woke up with this mindset that I was going to be better. So I took a shower, took all my medicine and I could actually stand up for more than 5 minutes. I'm still feeling all groggy and sick, but at least I can stand being up. and it feels soo good.

I took Emily out to eat for an early birthday present. We went to Unos and it was good. Well, it probably was. I really couldn't taste anything. I was just so happy to be out and about. I had a lot of fun.. and I realized how much I missed Emily while I was sick. Nathan however is a different story. We didn't really talk much the whole time I was sick.. he was busy with school and play practice. But I think it kind of changed things. We went from being together every day to only talking every other day through text messages. I told him I was better today but he was busy with his friends. And he can't hang out until Friday. He called me and we really didn't have anything to say to each other.. I've been upset about it all night but I think things will be okay once we get back on track. I really really hope so. I guess we'll see.

So i'm either going back to school thursday or friday of this week or I might just start up on monday next week. I'm actually kind of glad to be going back. Laying in bed watching grey's anatomy all day has gotten to be pretty boring and lonely. I better get some sleep before my mono kicks in again.

GOODNIGHT [:

Current Mood:

contemplative

Current Music: The Fray- How to Save a Life

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14 September 2006 @ 01:27 am

(no subject)

Hello Hello. Why yes, it is 4:28am. And I have no idea why i'm up or updating my livejournal, but im just gonna go with it. Mono has obviously destroyed my internal clock.. which now wakes me up at early hours of the morning. I sleep all day, so this is about the only time i'm fully awake.

I've gotten worse. I now have sinus infections, my ears might both be infected, and my throat is really really sore. My spleen is getting bigger, causing extreme pains in my side. And they also don't know if I have enough white blood cells. But they have to wait for those results to come back, and yeah I guess that's about all of the bad news. Emily let me borrow the first season of Grey's Anatomy so i've been watching that nonstop. I really love it, plus it keeps my mind off of how sick I am. It was nice seeing Em yesterday too. I missed her a lot.

Nathan is sick too, not becuase of me though. He already had mono so he can't get it again, but he thinks he has bronchitus or something. He's probably not going to work tomorrow, so he said he might come over and see me tomorrow for a little bit. He got me something in New York [: I really hope he does come over.. I could use some cheering up and I haven't seen him in like a week.

I hate how the beginnings of most things have to suck. For example, when you get a new job youre the 'new person' and you get treated like crap for awhile because you don't know anything. And interns getting pushed around and treated like dirt and given the worst jobs to do. Sophmores in high school and college. You get the idea. No wonder people are afraid to try anything new. I have no idea why I just thought of that. The mono is getting to me.

Does anyone actually read this? It's cool if no one does, I do this for myself anyways. But if someone out there does read it, let me know. I'm interested. [:

Current Mood:

sick

Current Music: nothing.

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13 September 2006 @ 03:24 am

(no subject)

Yep, i'm pretty sure this has to be the worst of my mono. I can't sleep becuase both of my ears ache, and I can't lay down because my throat is so swelled that it takes extra effort to even breathe. So here I sit at the computer at 6:28am when anyone else who isn't going to school would be taking advantage of the extra sleep hours. Oh well, it's what I do all day anyways.

I feel so alone right now. Yes, my friends im me and say 'hope you feel better soon' and 'i'll miss you,' but what I really need is someone to talk to. Someone to just randomly call and see how i'm feeling. Nathan's already had severe mono so he's the one person I can actually be around, but he's been too busy to come see me and he has plans for the next 5 days. Now is the time when I need him the most and he isn't around. I understand though. He has the lead in the play, he's taking mostly all AP classes, and he's going to see his sister this weekend at college. I'm just missing him a lot.

With the way i've been getting drastically worse every day, I don't see myself returning to school anytime soon. But hey, I don't have anything better to do, so i'll keep you updated.

Current Mood:

distressed

Current Music: silence.

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12 September 2006 @ 05:45 am

(no subject)

Okay to sum it up, i'm very very sick. But here's the long drawn out version.

I started feeling overly tired a few days ago, and it elevated as the days went on. Then, it started to become hard to swollow things, and I got huge lumps on my the sides and back of my neck which were extremely painful. My mom took me to the doctors and both him and the nurse said they were almost certain I didn't have mono, but they took blood and ran a test anyway. I knew right away when they both came bursting in the door 5 minutes later that I did have it. The doctor said i'm going to be sick for at least 6 weeks.. my first reaction was- SIX WEEKS!! THAT'S SUCH A LONG TIME! But he gave me some really good advice, to just take it day by day. He said that I have a severe case of mono, and some days i'll feel like I can't even lift my head out of bed, and other days i'll feel fine. Regardless, i'm out of school for at least two weeks. He said I definitely can't go to community service or work for a few weeks and that things are going to get worse by the day.

He was right. The lumps in my neck get more painful every day. I have pains in my chest from my spleen swelling I guess, and I don't have an appetite at all. I can't even force myself to eat. I've lost 4-5 pounds so far, but my mom doesn't know that yet. She'd probably freak out. Orange juice is about the only thing I can take in. My friends have been calling which is helpful for the short time I talk to them, but it doesn't change how constantly lonely I am. I lay in my bed alll dayy because i'm too exhausted to do anything. Today actually isn't so bad. I can sit here at the computer, but i'm still bored out of my mind. So I decided to do this '100 things I love' type deal that Katie & Jana did.
( 100 Things I Love... )

Current Mood:

drained

Current Music: Death cab for cutie <3

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01 September 2006 @ 06:50 pm

(no subject)

So basically, a ton has happened since the 5 or 6 days ago that I updated. I had my last night at long johns which was long and hard, which made it not so sad to leave at the end of the night. Of course I cried when I said goodbye to Brett, Dan, and Steve though. It turns out that Dan is in a few of my classes and I see Steve around often, but I rarely see Brett. So I think my crying was valid. We became pretty good friends, and I miss him.

Nathan and I had our two month anniversary. He planned out the whole day.. which consisted of going to the mall to get some last minute school clothes, a picnic at canoe creek, and then his house. The rain put a damper on the whole picnic by the lake idea, so we ended up going to the chinese buffet. It was just as good as a picnic, if not better [: He picked out a shirt and tank top for me at the mall, and I picked him out some sweet plaid circas. I'm in love with them! We went to aeropostale and I picked him out some man jewelry, and he picked me out a cute bracelet. When he was dropping me off I immediately started bawling as soon as we rounded the corner to my street. This entry makes me sound like a huge baby, but it honestly takes something big to make me cry. I cried this time becuase summer was ending and for some reason it felt like the relationship I made with this amazing boy was ending too. He promised me that it wasn't just a summer romance, and I beleive him 100%.

School started the next day, unfortunately. But I guess the time had to come sooner or later. I have the feeling that this is going to be an extremely easy year for me, knock on wood.
This semester goes a little something like this...

HR: Mrs. Johnston. She's amazing. She's always so perky in the morning and it puts me in a better mood since usually i'm depressed, stressed, and exhausted. Everyone's been hanging out in there too. It might be the new hang out homeroom [:

First: Mrs. Long for Alg 3/ Trig. She's even crazier than Mrs. Johnston. I hate having math right away becuase i'm barely awake, but she seems pretty energetic too so maybe that will help. I'm in there with Lauren, Kelsey Thayer, and Ashlie Hanlon, none of which I sit beside.

Second: Mrs. Lucas for English 12. I sit right behind Daniel Brandt, and he makes me laugh every single day. She might be my favorite teacher. She's extremely random and airy. Dan says it's me in 10 years.

Third: Mrs. Wall for Art 1. This would be the least favorite class of mine. I sit at a table with three tenth graders. A boy whose pretty quiet, and two girls who never shut up about who they had sex with, where, and how great it was. They really disrupt the focus on my line drawings.

Fourth: Mrs. Replogle for Teen Issues. I didn't even pick this class, but it actually seems like it will be pretty interesting. Nathan says I need to learn about decision making anyways [: Mrs. Replogle is soo funny. She gets really loud and says the craziest things. I just love her.

Then I go to C Lunchh. I sit with Cassie, Ashlie, Chels and Missy. It's us five and then a bunch of tenth graders. On the first day I told one of the tenth graders to go get me some napkins and one asked Chels if she should go up and get them. I felt bad, I was just kidding, but it feels good to have the authority of a senior [:

Fifth: Mr. Mccarter is next for Intro to Speech. I already know him becuase he's the Ski Club director, and he's extremely cool. I really need this class becuase if you know me at all, i'm absolutely horrible at talking in front of people about anything, even if it's for like 4 minutes. I sit by Tina, and we have a good time. This should be a good class too.

THEN I GET TO LEAVE THE JUNK HOLEE !

In other words, I have community service 6th and 7th. I'm going to Juniata Gap. I start on Tuesday.

So that's about all the excitement for now. I'll update soon [:

<3

Current Mood:

mellow

Current Music: nonee

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26 August 2006 @ 09:30 pm

(no subject)

I just got off work at Shenk & Tittle. It wasn't so bad. I worked with Tavin for awhile. He is absolutely hillarious. I love working with him.. he's one of the few people who can make me laugh until my stomach hurts. After he left I was with Katie & Cody. Katie is extremely nice. She pretty much taught me everything I know [: Cody's a nice guy too. I heard bits and pieces of his life story throughout the night.

Buddy & Nick came in to see me and they made the boring night a little more eventful. Ty came in too which was cool becuase I haven't seen him for months. It's pretty interesting watching the people who walk through the mall. You can know so much about people just by watching their expressions. Maybe this job will turn me into an expert people-watcher.

At the end of the night I was the lucky one chosen to vacume the store. It turned out the vaccum broke on me so I had to stay for an extra hour while the four of us attempted to fix it. We were successful [:

I took Chad home, becuase he was at the mall with a few of his many girls, and then came back here and talked to Nathan for a long time. He comes home tomorrow. I think we're going to State College on Monday. He's gonna pick out my school clothes for me. I can't wait to see himmm..

That's all [:

Current Mood:

indifferent

Current Music: Waking Ashland<3

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25 August 2006 @ 11:05 pm

(no subject)

Summer of 2006 is coming to an end and it's really hard to beleive. Next summer will be filled with stress.. saying goodbye to everyone, packing for college, etc. So in reality this was my last summer to just relax and do what I wanted and i'm thinking I took advantage of it hardcore. I guess it's too late to do anything about it now.

I worked at Long Johns tonight from 4-12:30am. It was an extremely long shift but it wasn't so bad seeing as it's my second to last day. After Sunday I won't be an LJSer anymore, except in my heart. Shenk & Tittle's been okay. It's definitely not like Long Johns at all though. I was so used to having so many friends and being my crazy self there, but i've been keeping to myself at Shenk. I don't really know anyone yet, and it will probably take a good bit of time before I can unleash the real Courtney. I never thought i'd say it but, I miss Long Johns. Not the work and the terrible hours and Kevin, but just the way it was. I was there forever. I was the one who taught the newcomers how things went. And now i'm back to nothing. Blehh.

Nathan's in North Carolina and I miss him so enormously much. I get too used to seeing him every day, so when a day goes by without him I feel empty inside. He calls me every day he's away and texts me lots but it isn't the same. I need him to tickle me until I scream and crack my hands for me. [:

I haven't seen my friends in a long time.. I really miss Katie. We always have these spurts where we hang out a whole bunch, but then weeks can go by where we don't see each other at all and I hate that. Katie if youre reading this.. I LOVE YOUUU! [:

I think this might be it.. i'm just getting into the swing of writing in a livejournal again, so I don't want to overdo it.

<33

Current Mood:

pensive

Current Music: cute is what we aim for [:

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